Peace

My emotions, my spirituality, my physical health, my relationships have been topsy-turvey and not really stable at all for the last two years.  I always felt my life was out of sorts, that I couldn't control any of it. Many wonderful things have come my way, but I was blinded by the bad and terrible things that happened to me or to others I love; it sent not only my emotions spiraling downward but also my faith.  It has been a roller coaster of events and circumstances that have tested every aspect of my patience, strength, and my belief that God is our advocate, not our enemy.

And then for the first time in four years, I felt a sense of peace.  As I awaited for midnight mass to begin this past Christmas Eve, the church was filling fast amid the chaos and the prelude music.   I felt the Holy Spirit, and the peace that was given to me was different than other times I have felt the presence.  It was a peace of "even though you're not in control of any of your life, everything will turn out just fine, and your heart's desires will be given to you, in my time, not yours."

Friends had told me about this kind of peace, this sense of fulfillment, but I never could fathom what they were talking about for years.  That night and throughout the rest of the week, I truly felt that God had my back, and He will make sure that wherever my path will lead that He will be the stronghold, the constant in my life that will never fail me.  I no longer feel that I need a relationship with a man in order to be happy or to be fulfilled by any means.  The last few weeks (and throughout these past few years), I have been truly blessed and fulfilled with loving friends who are my family to me when I am not able to have my family by my side.  And my own family has been a strong support for me from a distance when I have needed it the most.  It is only now that I have made the realization that these people are my stronghold here on Earth, my constant.  They bring me true joy, happiness, and fulfillment in the best of times and the worst of times.  They are God represented here on Earth for me.

Reflecting back on not just this past year, but the last few years, I've come to acknowledge that I can't be happy merely on dreams or wishes; I must relish in the present with the people that are with me every day of my life.  I must accept the current reality I face and live in the present moment and not worry about what the future may hold for me.  I can't waste my time on living in the future (or as I have done for so long, living in the past) when I should be living in the present, the here and now.

So, to 2012!  May this year be a fresh beginning not only for the next 366 days but for a lifetime of happiness and fulfillment!  May it be a beacon of hope, and may hope feed my soul with love and peace.