Not Alive

Here's a poem from October 5, 2008, I found in one of my old notebooks that I wanted to share.  I'm not in that same state but feeling a little "numb" as the poem mentions.

I feel numb at the moment;
I alive but not living.
I cannot know what true happiness is
Because it's not present.


Take away the coldness in my heart,
The hurt and angst and pain.
Take all the memories
That cause my heart to bleed everyday.


I do not know what I live for
As I go through each day mondane.
The viciousness tears at my soul and heart
To never be fully joyful again.


Life will slowly go on
As it does everyday,
But there will always be a sadness to my heart
That will never go away.

Beacon of Hope

Something I've written tonight as a reflection of the last few months and the perceptions life has for me right now.  I've been needing to write something down, but I haven't been able to put it into words until tonight.

Beacon of Hope

All stories need one element.
It is not a happy ending
Or a villain
Or a damsel in distress
Or even a hero to save the day.

It needs hope,
Wants hope,
Craves hope,
Something my story does not have.

Without it,
There is no want of life,
No want of joy,
No want of love.

Instead there is despair and heartache
And with it a want of sadness,
A want of misery,
A want of pain
Because that is all that seems to be present
In my story.

Hope seems obsolete and non-existent,
Distant and far
Like the deepest and darkest depths of the seas
And the highest summits of the earth.
It's too far out of my reach.

To grasp
And hold
And keep.
To anchor it to my heart
For eternity.

All I want is hope,
For it to permeate my soul,
So there can be joy, life, and love.
That is my prayer, Lord.

Farmer's Market

Every fall, I love to spend my time on Saturday mornings going to the farmer's market downtown Des Moines.  This past year, I have loved to meet up with my good friend, Chris.  She and I have had lovely coffee dates, walking around or just sitting in Java Joe's if it's too cold out to be outside the whole time.  I will be a little sad as the last day for the farmer's market is next Saturday, October 29th.  I truly enjoy the sounds, the smells, the variety and diversity of people, and the wares and food on display and for sale.

This past time, we decided to get together and take pictures of different things at the Farmer's Market.  We decided to post our top five favorite pictures from the outing, so here they are.

#1 Favorite Pic: love the variety of colors!

 #3 Favorite Pic: a random customer picking up flowers.

#5 Favorite: I just like tomatoes, potatoes, and apples! :)

My friend, Chris, and me at a street corner sign.  The sign was soo cool!

#4 Favorite Picture: The variety of colors with these heirloom tomatoes are awesome!

# 2 favorite picture: this came from my friend's bead stand.

Pumpkins on a Stick:  Pumpkin Peppers; they come from the eggplant family!  Who knew!?

My friend, Sheila, the Bead Lady :)

A Contented Heart

Recently, I just finished reading a read aloud for my class of seventh graders called The Midwife's Apprentice.  The book takes place during Medieval times in Europe and is about a girl named Dung Beetle (later dubbed Alyce) who is a nobody and soon discovers that she is worth something to herself and to the others in the village and in her life.  Some themes to the book include finding oneself, persevering through tough situations, and making the best of any situation (to name a few).

When I reread books, I always find passages or parts that strike me differently every year.  This year, it was the part where Magister Reese, the scholar who visits and stays at the inn where Alyce has run away to work because of her failure as a midwife's apprentice, asks Alyce what she wishes for in life.  She thinks about this thoughtfully and then responds, I want a "full belly, a contented heart, and a place in this world."  Magister Reese thinks these are awfully big things for an inn girl to want, but he thinks them honorable and worthy.

I was thinking about what Alyce said in the book this past week and while I've had my ups and downs this past year, I was thinking about my own wishes and wants.  If Magister Reese was to ask me my very desires at this very moment, what would I, an almost-thirty-year-something school teacher, want?

I think my answer would be very similar to Alyce's.  While I have pined for so long for companionship, if I'm not meant to marry and have a husband and children (which I hope that isn't the case), I would want my heart to feel content, to feel joy and love if those things were not present and were not a part of my life.  I, too, would want "a contented heart and a place in this world."  While I'm still finding the things that fill my heart with joy completely, I will continue to thank God for those small and big blessings and to live in the moment.  I  know I have a place in this world, and that God has put me here to bring joy and love to those around me, wherever I am present.

Eat, Pray, & Love

This past year has been rough, there is no denying it whatsoever!  I had finally hit rock bottom in October last year from all the hurt and grief from life that I had bottled up for probably the last 15 years or so.  Not only did I feel my personal life was spiraling downward, my sixth year of teaching was probably one of the worst I had ever experienced.  

With time, patience, prayer, and a lot of TLC for myself, I finally felt like I was coming out of a funk, another dimension that was bringing me lower and lower into an abyss I can't even explain; a hole where sometimes I wanted stay huddled in the corner of it and be forgotten.  At other times I wanted to fight my way out, and yet when I kept climbing, the top seemed further and further away and unreachable for me.

With the past year behind me and finally ready to live my last year of my twenties, I decided that instead of working and taking gobs of classes, I needed to take care of myself; I needed to find myself away from my own reality in places that people only imagine and dream about.

So with a few months of savings and a little planning, I planned two vacations; one with my mother and aunt to the NW Pacific and Alaska for two weeks, and the other to Ecuador, where I would see one of my dear and closest friends finally after seven years.   Add into the mix a week of class for my master's degree and diploma that no one could ever take away from me.

It was, what I called, the "Eat, Pray, and Love" summer.  In a sense, I felt like the character in the book, going off to new and daring places on my own, not knowing what I was getting myself into, and learning more about myself through the people I encountered on my journey.

And what did I gain from this summer, you ask?  So many unforgettable experiences and pictures, but on a more serious note, I found myself again, and I learned to love myself again.  It only took a trip halfway around the world to realize that I am still a part of this human race, that there is more suffering going on elsewhere far worse than I will ever probably experience, and that people still do care, even the complete stranger who is willing to escort you all the way to your hostel across a dangerous city and ask for nothing in return but a picture and a smile.   Our culture (and partially our human nature) makes us forget that we are made to be a part of this world to pay it forward and be there for each other. It was an honor to meet the people I encountered, share a conversation (even if it was limited English) of fellowship and shared interests, assimilate and be a part of a culture I could not even imagine living in for the rest of my life, share in a meal (made out of love and respect), and most of all to be humbled by the people and the resiliency they have each and every day.   

As I move forward with my new school year (what I have dubbed as the seventh year stretch), I will take those experiences and learn from them; and when I need to be humbled again, all I need to do is reflect back on my journey this past summer and remember.

Small Steps

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." ~Seneca

Sometimes there's a point in one's life where the end of one era must end and another new chapter  must be written.  There have been many moments where that has been the case the last twenty-nine and a half years, but there is something about this year that seems to say, "It's time to start writing a new chapter in your life, Lacy."

This past year has probably been the worst for me mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually all rolled into one big ball of a mess.  I can't say I enjoyed it, and I can't even say I'm healed in all those four areas of my life, but I think I'm on the mends for sure.  I have definitely learned from it, and I hope that I have come out wiser from it as well.

I was encouraged to somehow write about my experiences in life back in the fall that has been the inspiration for this blog; it is not a collection of stories, mind you, but rather my thought process, where I'm at on my journey we call "life", and how I'm delving into new beginnings and continuing on the old chapters in my life.  Below I would like to share the poem that started it all:

The Spirit of the Girl in Red

Joyful, loving, companion and friend

A sincere heart, giving without end.

Independent, balanced, a radiant soul;

A humble woman, complete and whole.

When God made her, He broke the mold.

With innocence and a heart of gold.

A girl with spunk and trust with no end;

Her spirit, her life, would always transcend.

People's words that have been used

Left her being battered and bruised.

Hurtful actions forsaken and unspoken;

Not forgotten were promises broken.

Seeing that her path was not as bright, 

The girl, she fought, with all her might.

Reaching for others in her need,

Wishing they would hear her plea.

Spirit of the girl in red,

Her soul was lifeless, void, and dead.

The truth unraveled behind her facade,

Knowing she must answer to herself and God.

The girl in red, she has grown,

But the path she leads is still unknown.

She knows she must live fully on this Earth,

Having love and trust and, above all, self-worth.