Characteristics of Love

There are many events and encounters with people these past couple of weeks that really got me thinking about a poem I wrote back on January 1, 2008 (it seems like such a long time ago, and I have gained so much in my worldy experiences and wisdom!); when I write this kind of free verse poetry, it really comes from the heart from what I'm truly feeling, and I think it's the hope that I can only pray and wish for in my life.

"Characteristics of Love"

Love comes softly in so many ways,
But not in the manner you'd expect.
It's not always love at first sight,
And that person is never perfect at all.

It gives us purpose,
Allowing us to feel joy, happiness, and 
Fulfillment in our lives,
Something we need in our souls and hearts to just be.

Love decides when to come; you have no choice.
Most of the time, it's in the most ironic places in your life,
At the most inconvenient times,
When you least expect it.

It is not always romantic and sappy;
Sometimes it's downright mean and ugly
Because you may not have asked for it at first
And may have never wanted it to begin with.

Love can be hard to find at times as well
When the obstacles we face seem overpowering,
And the hurt and angst are present in the midst of it all.

But even if there is pain, sorrow, and loneliness
In those times of trial,
Love can overcome it all
Because it is the most powerful weapon we have.

It can be scary at times
To know that someone could care
And love you that much
Even though we may not feel and believe it ourselves.

Love is unconditional, just as God's love is.
Even if we fall away from what should be,
Forgiveness prevails, and we are
Welcomed back into loving and open arms, always.

Love is always perfect
Even if we aren't,
For it is through our imperfections and failures
That love is present, now and always.

2014 Jar of Joy

Every year we always, as humans, tend to reflect on the past 365 1/4 days in order to learn from and better ourselves for the upcoming year.  The year 2013 is no different as I sit here in the last hours of dusky sunlight of yet another momentous year.  Facebook even included a "Year in Review for 2013" in order to make my life convenient and help me look back on the many fond memories I had through posts, comments, and pictures.  I will say, while 2013 was a tough year with the loss of my Grandpa "Ole", the struggle with my mother's health, and a not so great school year from January to May, it was a great year of growth, of self-awareness, joys, and adventures.  I get teary-eyed thinking how blessed I really am and that I often do take many things in my life for granted.    I have an awesome and well-paying job with great colleagues and students to work with, finances are not a worry, a roof over my head and plenty of food to eat, the opportunity to travel and see the world, and many, many family and friends who love and support me in so many ways!  Oh, yeah, and then there the Big Guy upstairs who is always there even if I sometimes doubt His Presence and Intervention in my life.  I can't imagine my life any different even with those stressful moments and experiences; without those struggles, I wouldn't be who I have become and will become because I do still have a lot of growing up to do, right?

Many of us, including myself, have often made those "New Year's Resolutions";  The ones that dictate how many pounds we're going to lose, how much time we are actually going to not spend at work (well, at least that's my experience), how I'm going to manage my time and money better, how I'm going to find Mr. Right, how I'm going to be a better friend, how I'm going to become more spiritual and closer to God, etc., etc., etc.  They are all great goals and while I have my own personal set of accomplishments that I want to attain and may not achieve this year, and honestly, I'm okay with that.  I often review my goals and adapt as I need to.  I've learned that life happens, and while I have good intentions, I can't be Superwoman and need to be realistic and practical, too.

With that in mind, I have something I'm going to do a little differently this year.  Yes, I still have my goals that I have set for myself and have accountability with friends and family, but I appreciate my friend, Mirna's, posting this week.  It was a picture of a jar, and on the jar was a note that said,

"Fill an empty jar with notes about good things that happen.  Then on New Year's Eve, empty the jar and see what awesome stuff that happened this year!"

I thought, "WOW! What a novel and simple concept!?  There is always someone out there that has far better ideas than me, and it's the perfect way to reflect back on those small moments in one's life that we so often forget.

So my goal is to everyday, say the prayer that, thanks Joyce Rupp and her creative prayers and writing, is attached to my jar and add a note, a momento (a ticket stub or wine cork or something small that can fit inside the jar and still have room for 365 lovely memories to reflect back on.)  I honestly think it's better than Christmas!

I'm excited for the endless adventures and joys that await me in 2014!  And I can't wait to relive those moments on December 31st, 2014!

May God bless you and your new adventures and joys in this upcoming new year.  I will leave you with the prayer that I will say every day as I reflect upon my days in 2014.

Faithful Companion, 
In this new year I pray:

~to live deeply, with purpose,
~to live freely, with detachment,
~to live wisely, with humility,
~to live justly, with compassion,
~to live lovingly, with fidelity,
~to live mindfully, with awareness,
~to live gratefully, with generosity,
~to live fully, with enthusiasm.

~Joyce Rupp

My year in review through pictures, 2013:

Overlooking Lake George in New York State on my NE Vacation

Grandpa Ole; what a handsome and greatly missed man!

Finally, I became one of the Doctor's companions!

Biking in SE Minnesota with my family!

My Ohio Family with Laura and Emily on our trip to the NE!

One of my favorite moments: getting up at 3 a.m. on 3 hours of sleep to watch the sunrise on the first place where sunlight hits the continental U.S. in Acadia, Maine.

Choose Joy

This past year has been a year of healing, a year of growing, a year of finding myself once again.  With many changes in my life, it was hard to find happiness in the things I once found joy in.

An acquaintance from college reminded me of what I was missing.  Sara Frankl, while I didn't know her well, was a person of compassion and love, the most beautiful singer I have ever met, and a true daughter of God.  Her story is here in her blog below:

http://gitzengirl.blogspot.com/

It's a story of true character showing through the very awful circumstance life can throw at a person, and yet she persevered.  I cannot imagine the pain her body put her through, her heartache, and her life here on Earth as the debilitating disease physically destroyed her body.   It literally took everything a person could have.  However, it didn't break her spirit or her will. 

Instead she chose joy. It was remarkable how Sara, despite her physical pain and ailments, was the most positive and optimistic person I have ever known.  Sara passed away this past spring, but her legacy continues on through her family, her friends, and even complete strangers who, like myself, have been moved by her life and her story.  

Sara left with me something I didn't know how to convey and implement into my own, this new thinking, and then I had dinner with my friend, Emily, at our favorite restaurant this past summer.  After the main course, I received a fortune cookie, and when I opened it, this was what I discovered:

"To get the full value of joy, you must have someone to divide it with."

The poster my students see every day when they enter my classroom.

I knew God (and Sara) were speaking to me at that very moment to make a choice.  It is a part of my thinking, my gratitude to God, and even a part of my professional life as you walk into my classroom today.  Choosing joy, while some days are difficult to face with the obstacles and negativity that come my way, has been one of the best decisions I've made, and it will always be a part of who I am, thanks, in part, to Sara for reminding me of what I really need to look for, to choose, to share, and to live joy.

26.2 Mile Journey

The exhaustion finally hit me after 26.2 miles!

I finished my first (and probably my last) marathon this past Sunday in Phoenix, Arizona.  It seems almost surreal and impossible that I ran 26.2 miles in 4 hours, 43 minutes, and 5 seconds just seven days ago, but I did, and I know I can do anything because of accomplishing this huge feat in my life.

I remember a lot of the pain, the numbness in my feet for about nine miles of the race, the soreness of my ankles, knees, and hip joints afterwards, the feeling of being thirsty all the time, the people passing by me and me passing runners and walkers alike, the thought of being on top of the world, and the sheer exhaustion after finishing that marathon.  However, the thing I remember the most is not the mileage I added to my tennis shoes or the pain I endured, but the small snippet of a moment I will share with you below:

Coming up on Mile 3 and seeing my fan club!

I scanned the sidelines for a familiar face in this foreign city.  At first, it was just a mix of men, children, and women, cheering on their friends, wives, husbands, or children.  I almost gave up looking, but as I neared Mile 3, I could see my mom and my godparents, Uncle Bill and Aunt Rita, coming into view.  They were taking pictures and rooting for my continued success even if I had only completed just a 11 percent of the race.




As I approached them, my pace quickened, even though my muscles were screaming at me, to stop this agony I was putting my body through.  However, the sight of my family made my adrenaline surge and my spirit soar.

Miles 3 of the 26.2 mile journey

As soon as I had passed my family, my supporters, my fan club, tears suddenly welled up in my eyes. I began to cry, almost to the point of sobbing.   I gained my composure as quickly as I had lost it, and as I wiped away those tears from behind my sunglasses, I felt a  feeling of love overwhelm my entire body.  Words cannot even describe the emotions coursing through my veins or the thoughts running through my head.  All I know is that even if I did fail with this endeavour, I knew I would be loved and supported and accepted, no matter the outcome of that 26.2 mile race.

Peace

My emotions, my spirituality, my physical health, my relationships have been topsy-turvey and not really stable at all for the last two years.  I always felt my life was out of sorts, that I couldn't control any of it. Many wonderful things have come my way, but I was blinded by the bad and terrible things that happened to me or to others I love; it sent not only my emotions spiraling downward but also my faith.  It has been a roller coaster of events and circumstances that have tested every aspect of my patience, strength, and my belief that God is our advocate, not our enemy.

And then for the first time in four years, I felt a sense of peace.  As I awaited for midnight mass to begin this past Christmas Eve, the church was filling fast amid the chaos and the prelude music.   I felt the Holy Spirit, and the peace that was given to me was different than other times I have felt the presence.  It was a peace of "even though you're not in control of any of your life, everything will turn out just fine, and your heart's desires will be given to you, in my time, not yours."

Friends had told me about this kind of peace, this sense of fulfillment, but I never could fathom what they were talking about for years.  That night and throughout the rest of the week, I truly felt that God had my back, and He will make sure that wherever my path will lead that He will be the stronghold, the constant in my life that will never fail me.  I no longer feel that I need a relationship with a man in order to be happy or to be fulfilled by any means.  The last few weeks (and throughout these past few years), I have been truly blessed and fulfilled with loving friends who are my family to me when I am not able to have my family by my side.  And my own family has been a strong support for me from a distance when I have needed it the most.  It is only now that I have made the realization that these people are my stronghold here on Earth, my constant.  They bring me true joy, happiness, and fulfillment in the best of times and the worst of times.  They are God represented here on Earth for me.

Reflecting back on not just this past year, but the last few years, I've come to acknowledge that I can't be happy merely on dreams or wishes; I must relish in the present with the people that are with me every day of my life.  I must accept the current reality I face and live in the present moment and not worry about what the future may hold for me.  I can't waste my time on living in the future (or as I have done for so long, living in the past) when I should be living in the present, the here and now.

So, to 2012!  May this year be a fresh beginning not only for the next 366 days but for a lifetime of happiness and fulfillment!  May it be a beacon of hope, and may hope feed my soul with love and peace.

Not Alive

Here's a poem from October 5, 2008, I found in one of my old notebooks that I wanted to share.  I'm not in that same state but feeling a little "numb" as the poem mentions.

I feel numb at the moment;
I alive but not living.
I cannot know what true happiness is
Because it's not present.


Take away the coldness in my heart,
The hurt and angst and pain.
Take all the memories
That cause my heart to bleed everyday.


I do not know what I live for
As I go through each day mondane.
The viciousness tears at my soul and heart
To never be fully joyful again.


Life will slowly go on
As it does everyday,
But there will always be a sadness to my heart
That will never go away.

Beacon of Hope

Something I've written tonight as a reflection of the last few months and the perceptions life has for me right now.  I've been needing to write something down, but I haven't been able to put it into words until tonight.

Beacon of Hope

All stories need one element.
It is not a happy ending
Or a villain
Or a damsel in distress
Or even a hero to save the day.

It needs hope,
Wants hope,
Craves hope,
Something my story does not have.

Without it,
There is no want of life,
No want of joy,
No want of love.

Instead there is despair and heartache
And with it a want of sadness,
A want of misery,
A want of pain
Because that is all that seems to be present
In my story.

Hope seems obsolete and non-existent,
Distant and far
Like the deepest and darkest depths of the seas
And the highest summits of the earth.
It's too far out of my reach.

To grasp
And hold
And keep.
To anchor it to my heart
For eternity.

All I want is hope,
For it to permeate my soul,
So there can be joy, life, and love.
That is my prayer, Lord.